We are all born the same. From a mother’s womb, ignorant to the world, and naturally bonded by nature to the one who carried us. Some get raised by that person, some do not. That is nothing new to humans. Since the dawn of humans, there have been tragedies, surrogate mothers, and even fathers. This phenomenon even exists in the animal kingdom.
If you were blessed to have been raised by your biological mother and biological father, you are a rare data set. As film, literature, and media seem to make it common, it is not. We live in a world where not too long-ago tragedy took mothers giving birth before advances in medicine came about. Illnesses and pandemics would tear apart families and leave children with other family members, neighbors, or complete strangers.
Adoption wasn’t paperwork just one hundred years ago. Such actions floated under the radar in a world where documentation was not a thing only a hundred and fifty years ago. It was survival at its simplest. You are born, you learn to feed yourself through those who raise you, and you do continue the cycle. Food, shelter, safety, and reproduction. Throw in the very small percentage who had the opportunity of education, creature comforts, and development, and our world not so long existed of humans trying to survive, and for the most part, watching after one another.
This goes back to my What is the Meaning of Life post. Our need and a natural disposition to work better in groups. This typically consisted of families. Parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Even in the late 1800s of US history, these “families” lived together in rural communities farming and ranching. You always had a “base”. Your “people”. Some despised them and took the fight to major cities and even other countries to create a new story. Others kept the lineage going.
So, what happens when all that is non-existent to someone? Either the family is gone, and they are alone, or they are estranged from their family. I watched Where the Crawdads Sing and this hit me hard. It got me thinking of my situation, which is not the same, but is/was in a way. It really inspired me as to how she handled it. No spoilers here, but a great book and movie.
Like millions of others in this world, I was predominately raised by people who were not my biological parents or family. I knew my biological mother, she was in the picture here and there, but she never had custody and was not someone I cared for. Living with a man who was not my biological father and knowing at a young age, something was not right. Believing we as humans know when we are not with our biological parents. However, being unable to explain this myself, possibly something published on this elsewhere. I do believe this is true.
We do not get to pick our parents or those who rear us as children and teens. I wholeheartedly believe this is done by our Creator for reasons we might never understand. Having landed in a decently caring home after my mother left me with my toddler brother when I was three months old, this soon ended and began the chaos that would ensue for decades of my life. For a lot of children, parents just walk away. Life goes on.
Choices had to be made. Detaching and estranging from my mother, who spent over a decade in prison in my twenties and thirties, and the man who raised me. The toxicity had seeped into my life from childhood abuse. Self-destructive behavior, mental behavioral issues, and chaos rule my life throughout adulthood. I had no other choice. People should see where the “root” of the problem exists and know that sometimes drastic measures need to be taken. I am not the first nor the last to do this. It is more common than you realize.
Here I am. Estranged from both my biological family, the “adopted” family, and my wife. It is a weird feeling and hard to swallow at times. My faith carries me that I will find new people. They may not be my blood, but it is possible. I have faith my wife will return. Saddens me that we have crept into our early to mid-forties and I was selfish and did not attempt to have a child after losing the first. Maybe the adoption of a young kid? Change the life of a kid who is 4 or 5? Who knows?
I don’t know. It is surreal that if something happened to me, I only have one person who truly loves me. The unfortunate part is I hurt her emotionally. People CAN change. I promise this. It is a matter if you want to change.
All this has led me to become a better person and a better human. We learn and we make sure the cycle stops.
When you are in a situation where your family, friends, or peers are toxic to your mental health, you MUST step away. Does not have to be forever. Again, people change. Not all the time, but some do. If not, you cannot change them. You can ONLY change yourself. The change you can do for yourself is only the true form of who you are. You cannot become something you are not. That is why all social platforms are causing serious mental and physical health issues. Unrealistic expectations of life.
Life is about love. Life is about living. It is not about people emotionally draining you, abusing you, or neglecting you. It is not about physical abuse or neglect. I know this. Happened to me for some time, then I let myself go and did it to the ones I loved the most.
There is only one of you. Do not let a false commitment to a family keep you in a vicious cycle.