Something happened last night. Something I simply cannot explain. Something supernatural.
Going on four weeks since my wife left me and just the overall overwhelming emotions, struggle, and awareness of taking ownership of my mental health has been rough. Very rough. So much so, it has led me to just being totally numb. Mind, body, and soul. Numb. Rock bottom. Having been on a roller coaster of emotions in the past three and half weeks, only one friend in a similar situation kept me from slipping into total oblivion and darkness. I finally found my breaking point. After getting there so many times here lately, and finding a way out, ignoring obvious signs that were for me to see, I fell to the deepest of lows.
I was there. I was done.
I could not cry anymore as I had before. I was not afraid. Knowing this was the answer. As selfish as it is, I did not care. Not even remotely.
After an onslaught of texts from my wife on how I ruined her life the past weeks and especially the past few days, I was floored. Echoes of her wanting kids and I never did fill my mind, we lost one at the beginning of our relationship, and it hardened my heart. I do want children; I was not ready then to bring a child into my world. She says it is too late at 44.
Everything was consuming me. My financial nosedive in 2019. The continued financial struggle to this day. Where am I going to live next month? I can’t afford rent or to even move. My wife is in pain, I am in pain, and I literally have nothing. Nothing. The one person who is holding me together is dealing with serious grief themselves. I cannot burden anyone anymore. I am a burden to this world.
Then something happened.
Having denied my Creator more than once, I was seeking His love and His guidance yet again, and nothing was coming through. I am picking up very subtle signs and messages, but not paying much mind to anything other than my situation and complete hopelessness. Something “supernatural”, is the best way to explain it, occurred.
Opening my phone while sitting on the edge of my bed, I found the sinner’s prayer to the Lord. Then the prayer asking Jesus into my heart. I recited them both with open palms. Giving myself to Christ. Slowly and steadily my eyes filled with tears, my body began to tingle, and this feeling of overwhelming love came over me. It did not stop. The vibrating sensation coursed through my body, and my soul, and filled my heart. I asked for Him to cleanse me in his Blood and forgive my sins, everything. Lead me with love.
Crying and reciting a handful of other prayers I found, getting the same feeling I had before with every prayer I did. The release felt so good. Praying for my wife, my friends, my loved ones, and pretty much everyone. I looked at my dog in his crate, he was calm and at peace. First time in weeks. The anxiety He was getting from me was no longer there. There was a sense of peace.
Then I drifted off into slumber. I woke up a few times as I usually do, but this time, I went back to sleep. Which was odd.
Since I have gotten up this morning from bed, my anxiety and the constant knot is not in my stomach in my body. The dread, panic, fear, and sadness are gone. I feel, GOOD. The worry, sadness, pain, and darkness are not present. I am chuckling, laughing, smiling, and just feel good. Was having some serious pains and other things I was set to go get checked out on Monday. Gone? Not canceling the appointment yet, but I am a little astonished.
Words cannot precisely describe the feeling when it happened, or the feeling I feel now. The complete clarity, sense of purpose, and love I hold at this moment and had ALL day so far.
I am not insane, I am not delusional, and I am not fabricating or sensationalizing. I gave everything to Christ. It is that simple. A long road lies ahead, and I know there will be trials and tribulations. Either way, a dramatic shift, and change have occurred. I am His. I feel His love.