Running to Safety

Some can relate to being in a situation that is unhealthy for oneself and the need to flee the circumstances. An exit to be able to clear the mind, soul, and emotional damage. Possibly just to re-evaluate, even maybe for your safety. Harder said than done for majority of the souls in these predicaments.

Three weeks ago, I witnessed this. Being the person that was being “escaped” from is hard. Not as hard as what it took the other person to do it. Which, in a few days, I understood. I grasped what had occurred and owned it. Still confusing at times, as waking up into a world where you lose a loved one and cannot clearly remember majority of what you are being told, it is hard. Although, my respect and love continue, it also grows stronger. That feeling, I cannot explain.

It is not a feeling of loneliness that can be solved by replacing the loved one. It is not in most psychobabble realms of a capture who misses what they controlled. Nothing like that. It is that of the heart and soul. It is that of someone who deep love exists and will always exist.

This exit caused a chain reaction. It allowed something inside of me to break free. Years of anger, pain, trauma, and suffering of a little boy. It all opened wide up. Hours upon hours of pouring emotions, subconscious memories releasing, and ultimately, letting my Creator in. Giving my soul and love back to myself. Something I had not done my entire life. During this time, many lucid dreams have occurred and still occur. Most nights they pick up from the same place and replay my past. Things I cannot grasp. There I see my angel. My love. My soulmate suffering. I created a lot of that suffering.

This is where you are thinking I should be talking about the victim in this more.

My love did something that had to be done. To accept it is hard but is also something rarely done. A whirlwind of emotions passes through you by the minute, hour, and day. When you give your energy and soul to a higher power, completely, you see reality. It hurts. Bad.

She left a situation that was getting better. She admitted to it. Problem, the years before with my verbal tirades and drunkenness, left scars and severe emotional trauma. I admit, she should have left years ago. Then again, during those years, I cannot fathom what would have happened. I would probably not be writing this.

Either way, she chose her time and executed. The day it happened; I came home to a letter saying she left me. I knew it hadn’t been long since she left, and I jumped in my vehicle and started pursuit. My heart in my stomach, I sped to catch her. Within five minutes, I was sitting in a gas station parking lot with my head on the wheel. A feeling I could not shake. That feeling told me that what I was doing was the reason I am in this situation. That was when the switch flipped in my head. A good switch.

Chasing her down would only escalate a very fragile situation. Stalking her at her work, showing up where she ran to, etc. are all very bad ideas. Four or five years ago, I probably would have done that. This does not mean I do not love her; it actually is me respecting the boundaries and her wishes. I would give anything for her to walk in the door right now, yet time is the answer.

This led me to many deep ruminations about what I had been, done, and not allowed myself to share. It tore me down. Not as bad as her. That still haunts me.

I knew where she went. It hurt me more than anything you can imagine. Her mother. Why would that hurt?  After ten years with my wife, she shared a lot and her mother seemed to be a large part of an underlying issue. Something I saw, but never pushed much, I let her just vent. Running from someone with an unmanaged mental health issue, to someone with the same but who plays victim to everything. What had I done?  

Focusing on my mental health is my priority, yet the dire need to assist in helping someone in getting into a healthy atmosphere to heal is consuming me, yet I must give it to God.

One cannot change the past, they can only learn from it, accept it, and never repeat.

Today is the day you focus on. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you cannot.

Not everyone has the ability to find a healthy place to go.

Consider reaching out to someone you haven’t heard from in a while today. Tell them you were thinking about them, and hope all is well. Tell them you are there for them if you ever need to talk.

Look at your own relationship. If there is darkness, get help.

If someone runs, there is a reason. Own it.


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