Nowhere to Run

Have you ever found yourself hopeless and ready to give up? Be it financial, career, relationship, or personal reasons, whatever it may be, you find yourself with nowhere to run. Surprisingly, this is a normal part of life. Normal? I did say normal, unfortunately. It all depends on the extremity of the situation and our ability to cope or deal with it. How do I know?

I have lived in chaos for the past 20 years of my life. Yes, there have been a substantial number of good moments, although, the chaos overshadowed them. I was responsible for this. Just as we are all responsible in some way or fashion for our downfalls. Now do not take that as everything is your fault, but you can make the required adjustments to alter your journey. You know what else? We can change. People can change, for the better. This is pure scientific fact.

Having found myself consumed with a vast amount of pain, anger, and trauma of childhood abuse of all kinds; I went through my latter years of adolescence pushing this all down. This was the mid to late 1990s. This is what we usually did back then, and for some, still do. In a culture where such is considered a stigmata or taboo, where else were we supposed to run? Counseling existed, but our pride and reputation was at stake, as it still is for many. I could not remotely bring myself to tell someone the complete truth of my childhood during this time. It was shaming and just scared me to relive what I went through. A child from the age of 4 years old to early teens I was beat unconscious many times, neglected, sexually assaulted by family members, emotionally abandoned, and abused.  Witnessed horrific violence, abuse, drug use, and alcohol abuse. Hell, I recall my first stepmother attempting to murder my brother and I on a few specific occasions. There may have been more I have pushed down and forgotten. These were just the ones I can recall. What should I have done? Get help. In this situation it would have been difficult as majority of the family that surrounded me were involved in the abuse, although, we must as a society be more aware of such and bring it to light. For the most part, this has gotten better over the past few decades. We can still do better on spotting, reporting, and assisting victims of abuse.

a sad boy sitting on a floor of a classroom
Photo by Mikhail Nilov on

So, that is a component of how our children are bring raised. More than you want to acknowledge. This stems into adults with many issues. If your childhood was nothing like that, that is fantastic. There are also the issues of children being raised with overbearing parents with unrealistic or confined expectations. There are the families that push religion and strict guidelines on youth and even their own immediate family. Even the parents who get overinvolved in sports, hobbies, and interests of their offspring to the point it causes them to detach. There is a medium, or moderate, approach to all of this. Yet the upbringings I just pointed out can cause unrealistic outlooks on life and result in behavioral health issues. Not saying it happens to every single person who experiences it, but I will say this, there are many that won’t admit it.

Relationships are hard, and they do take work. As I am finding out, lots of it. I am guilty of being a bad husband. Twice. My mental issues caused me to go into verbal tirades and verbal assaults when I get emotionally triggered (anger, sadness, etc.). The anger I unleashed destroyed relationships; it is inexcusable. Somehow, I cannot remember these incidents fully or even some at all. Having read a load of psychiatry journals regarding this, it seems the brain does not “write the memories” as the subject is in sort of severe anxiety attack. Either way, this is NOT an excuse for what I have put my loved ones through and others. Why? Because I feared getting real help. It was the apprehension of opening Pandora’s box.  I dabbled with doctors over the years and would not fully commit to the therapy, treatments, or medications. I never really delved into letting them inside my mind. Again, I am at fault for not getting help. My wife and I have separated, and I am a large factor in it.  At this present moment, I am in a corner and have nowhere to run. I am choosing to do the right thing and get the help and commit to it. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist, along with my present weekly sessions with a therapist for the last four months. I want my true self back completely, my health, and my wife. This time I go all in.

person drowning in water
Photo by Luca Nardone on

Remember this when reaching for out for help, the first step is the hardest, the second one will be profound. I never liked making myself vulnerable. It is in part to my upbringing and part of whatever I created to protect myself. It is time to heal and move on from that scared little boy. If you have any doubts, fears, depression, anxiety, or anomalies with emotions and behavioral health, as well as the feeling there is nowhere to run, get help. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future.

If you find yourself growing apart from your spouse or partner, seek help. It is typically something you both need to partake in and talk about. If 10% of your marriage or relationship is good, it is worth saving. The other 90% is the work you must put in. And you will have to put it in somewhere else. The grass may look greener on the other side, but you will still have to water, fertilize, and manicure it constantly. If you find yourself trapped with nowhere to run to, calmy remind yourself that you can change this predicament with help.

Financial despair is not just a small problem, it is a very vast issue. When it seems the world is closing in around you; you have that sinking, empty feeling all inside your being. You are going to lose everything. You ultimately find yourself in a situation with nowhere to run. I have been in this situation in the past and am here again. I left a career of almost 28 years to gain my sanity and improve my health. I lost pretty much everything. You name it, I lost it. Did this hurt, yes. I found a few positions that required full time travel and found myself riddled with the anxiety of being away from home and my family. After being three years sober from alcohol, I relapsed hard. Lost two jobs in less than three months basically due to alcohol. One was being fired; the other was not complying with onboarding hazing. Either way, that piled more shame onto my already surmounting failures. I found myself in this dark hole and reaching for every hand I could get. My mind sank to suicide with a plan more than I could count. I eventually found myself on a slow climb out of the hole. Having no family due to obvious reasons previously stated, very few friends due to my mental health and pushing others away, it was hard. I found myself wanting to just leave this world. I always brought myself from this selfish thought by looking at my angel of a wife, my loving animals, and thought how they would feel if I did such a thing. It devasted me to think of their feelings if I did this.

A few years have now past, and my wife recently left me while I was out to grab lunch and some linens. Devasted was an understatement, but fully understanding considering the past. I am now left with finances I cannot afford and no finances to move into something cheaper. Again, I have fallen into this dark hole with nowhere to run.

This is what is keeping me afloat.

Our vessels and souls are worthy of much more than any financial, relationship, personal, or career hardships. Trust me, I have endured all those hardships and currently am again, except career. I was the leading contributor of how I was riddled with all of them. I accept that. Can you? I tried to make life fantastic with materialism, I did this since I was 20 years old. Why not, that is what society leads you to believe. Pumped through social media, TV, movies and more. Every day. Guess what, that was not what makes those who TRULY love us happy. They want us managing our lives in a healthy way. The others that judge, leave them behind. Our loved ones and those who care for us want us physically and mentally healthy. This leads to harmony across the board. If you find yourself with nowhere to run, and that sinking feeling of failure, hopelessness, and shame, ask for help. Do not be afraid. I am fully aware that there is a portion of our society that thinks only of themselves or will frown upon you. Move on from those people.

black ceramic candle holder on brown wooden table
Photo by cottonbro on

Sadly, this is what our society has built. People distance themselves from people in crisis, it is normal as they feel you will rub off on them, yet there are some who will not do such. I promise they exist. Ignoring the issues and doing things to distract from them will only prolong the suffering and cause further mental health issues. Face the problems, let therapy and your mind work itself out. Emotions will come in huge heaps, but you must remember, you can bring yourself out of it, with the right help. Doctors can prescribe medicine to help symptoms, but only you and therapy can get to the root of the problem. There is no magic pill for this.

When you find yourself with nowhere to run, remember, you can change the situation. There are not always quick and easy solutions, only healthy ones.

Here I am, with nowhere to run. All I know to do is take it one day at a time and without compulsive decisions or waiving a white flag. Face the inevitable and take back my life. Get help where I can, and work on the rest myself. I will never give up or give in. Neither should you!

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