This past weekend, I experienced a devastating loss. I went to run some Saturday errands, and upon my return, found my wife had left me. A note on the kitchen island that I found very odd but to the point.
Why was it odd? It was very drab and didn’t expound on much. Either way, the feelings that raced through my body I will never be able to describe in words completely. My best attempts would be to throw out things such as sick to my stomach and things crazy tingling sensation in my entire body. You know what? It doesn’t matter. What matters more is the feelings she felt to do such. It took a lot.
This is where some will ask, “Did you see it coming?”. Yes, we had a conversation days before. Of course, I took it as we needed to work on things.
How could she do such a thing? Well, there again, is a story and history.
My current wife is my second marriage. We met in grade school, and reconnected after failed first marriages for us both. Probably not the smartest thing for either, but we both knew what not to do on marriage number two. Or did we?
My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, witty, multi-talented, and a very loving woman. When we reconnected, her energy melted me. I had never felt such a bond in my entire life. It was purely magical. Her voice, her presence, and her mind. I remember finding myself babbling about things at times, as I was nervous, I panicked as I thought I would lose her attention and admiration. How her natural scent had intoxicated me. To the point, I rushed into solidifying our relationship disregarding my current state of mind.
This proved to be a key mistake for us both. I was not even close to grieving my fresh divorce. I seriously have no excuses, as there are none. What I did was irreprehensible as she deserved me mentally healthier and somewhat healed from a 12-year relationship.
I did what I usually did, I tried everything in my power to make a life so I could share it with her and her son. I went to extremes and did ridiculous things financially and emotionally to make things “good” as quickly as possible. I have always tried to “fast track” life. This included me uprooting a mother and her child to live this life I was making up for them. A life I never realized just needed to have me completely and not these picturesque surroundings or things. The pedestal in my mind was real.
This was the beginning of a horrible cycle. Which I take 100% responsibility. No excuses.
Me entering a relationship as tattered and damaged as I was, not the right choice. We can’t turn back time, yet if I could, I know she would have waited. She is that type. At the time, she was talking about a Columbian who admired her and was trying to get her to move to Columbia and it made me work faster at the mess I was starting to make. Not her faut, mine. I could not let this fish go back, never had I had the complete package. She will always be perfect in my eyes, yet I had told her different in these “fits” or “episodes” I would have.
During the first five years of our marriage, my alcohol abuse coupled with mental instability was thrust upon a wonderful mother and her magnificent son. I still tear up about it. Yet, there are no excuses on my behalf. She helped me though, she sacrificed everything to help me yet neglecting herself and her son at times. I would have episodes and fits. Flying into rages, psychobabble, and just fits. Getting diagnosed was an issue as I could not stay sober long enough for medication to work or even get a baseline.
I deflected my pain and hurt from a previously failed marriage, stressful career, and an abusive childhood onto the love of my life. This went on until I sobered up. Things got better, although, I now had a wife and son who only ever knew the predominantly unstable man. Which, alcohol cessation helped, I still had work to do.
I slipped back and forth a few times with sobriety. Loss of a career tilted me back down my self-abusive ways, which I would in turn deflect to my angelic wife. I was getting better, but I let financial distress consume my being.
She was with me every wrong step I took. Why?
She went with the punches that I setup for life to give us. I cannot fathom why she lasted this long. I was convinced years back she realized I was really a loser and would find someone better.
Every time I contemplated dark self-harming thoughts, I would close my eyes to try and fight the urge. When I did, I would see her face and eyes and picture how it would affect her. I could not do that to her. Ever.
The times I went off in fits of rage, drunk, and belligerent. Those times are fuzzy, yet I break more inside daily as they leak over into my subconscious, and I hear her voice and tears begging me. How could I have ever been so awful to such a wonderful soul. She saved my life, yet I deflected my misery and pain from other issues onto her. Why?
There is nothing I know to say or do to heal those wounds I inflicted.
I was taught to always “just move on”. That never worked really well for me. Upon doing that, I left a mess and created a wake of havoc behind me. Waiting to come back and haunt me.
My wife left me as a few minor episodes triggered her to feel past experiences. These were minor, yet that does not matter.
Some will try to diagnose me as a narcissist. Which I can see I carried a few of those attributes by being raised by one.
Others will consider me an abuser and need to control someone. No. Absolutely not.
I have often been mis-diagnosed. Mental illness is not perfect. One size does not fit all. I understand, yet there are psychologists and psychiatrists who will make a wrong diagnosis and not even consider anything different.
I want my wife back, yet I want her to be the person she deserves to be. Yearns to be. Not my caretaker or the one who always tries to fix things.
We both are fixers, but her much better. I was good at superficial things and her for emotional and love repairs.
I want her to be healthy. I have seen a steady decline in the last several years in her and can’t help but take the blame. It crushes me, but who cares? It is not about me; it is about her.
I need to be healthy. The most beautiful times in my life were with her, and the darkest as well.
I have never physically abused my wife, yet I did emotionally. That I cannot fathom and one not any better than the other. There is no excuse for my actions. None.
The things she has told me haunt me. It sounds like the people who used to say the same things to me? You know what?
My one mission is simple, to complete my healing from issues beyond what I caused therefore I cause no more. To somehow reconnect with my one true love, which is her.
I know in my heart who it belongs to. It is her.
My feelings are not important to me, yet I have always expressed them as the most important. I don’t know why; it is very unlike my true self.
These last few years haven’t been like they were in the past but from the compounding of what I created; it is understandable to me. I know people can’t just let the past be the past, hell, I never did. I took my past and inflicted it on innocent bystanders in the present.
I realized I made everything about me in the past, which was never what I intended. I have always cared more about others’ feelings than my own, but I somehow project myself as priority…I am having issues trying to comprehend how and why I have done that.
I do not know if I can fix this?
The bottom line is I have no excuses. I have to learn everything takes time. Attempting to “fast track” my entire life has led me here.