Large amounts of souls suffer from various types of mental illness. Whether it may be from traumatic experiences, habitual abuse of substances, or genetically, it happens. Something so taboo for discussion is a surprisingly vast denominator in suicide, violence, and continuous harm in our society.

We live in a world where mental illness is brushed off as weakness or an ailment that be resolved by different remedies of prescriptions, life changes, or variation of views. In the past, we went as far as locking away these souls in sanitoriums to separate them from society. That is how archaic medicine got.

With so much mental illness stemming from childhood trauma, this issue is larger and more complex than prescribing drugs to put a “band aid” on the issue. Its roots are based on people, experiences and even a long chain of mental illness in one way or another. Passed down like an inheritance in some cases.

Like many people, I am a survivor of childhood trauma.

And like many, I have scorched a path of hatred, pain, and mental anguish onto others beyond those childhood years. We as humans, and as beings, tend to be students of our surroundings. We may not inflict the same as we were dealt, yet we recycle it in one way or another. Unfortunately, this commonly happens.

I am guilty.

I compartmentalized my abuse and neglect in my very young pre-teen mind. I learned to push it down and build very high walls. A very common practice amongst victims. I started acting out after puberty and making sure I would not allow anyone close to me. My own internal feelings and lack of self-confidence, self-image, and hatred fueled a inner part of me I subconsciously created. A darkness that gained power throughout my teens, twenties and living in it’s prime in my thirties.  Here I am now just over four decades since my birth, and I have come full circle with this beast.

Here is the kicker…

I do not know who or what this beast is. It consumes me when triggered, drunk, or emotionally distressed and takes over my complete being. This sinister being has destroyed so much but has yet to take me as a casualty. I refuse to be defeated.

I am blessed to have been gifted with reason and some superior cognitive abilities. This allowed me to carry on in society and let few know of my mental illness. Living a very discreet life.

Having always felt this darkness, I tried to battle it through various methods. I unfortunately fell into a few drugs and eventually heavy alcohol abuse. This allowed it to run rampant and wreak havoc on loved ones and other innocent bystanders. I cannot recall all whom fell victim to my verbal tirades and physical altercations, as this was always a blank spot in my mind. Having heard second-hand of my actions, it always tore me up, hurt my being and my soul. I knew who I was and was not that monster. Just hearing it, feeling the emptiness due to lack of memory of it, sent me further spiraling downwards with alcohol abuse and mental anguish.

This battle went on through my twenties and well into my thirties. The loss I suffered was immeasurable. Finances, health, and loved ones.

I have been free of alcohol for almost three years. In this time, I have also changed my diet to a healthier one and left a financially lucrative, but mentally demanding, career. All the positive steps have opened more clues and doors I previously locked away in my mind. It has caused some serious moments of sadness over grieving what I had done to others and myself. It has made me more self-aware of things I need to do to help myself and continue to get better. Most importantly, I want to annihilate the monster. The dark energy that was created when I was a very young boy. In my innocence, I developed a demon. Something totally opposite of whom I was and to do this say, nothing like me.

I decided to pin this into a mission. A mission to help everyone fight this demon.

This life is worth more than you realize, and we all suffer and must be more aware of the root causes of this epidemic. This has been around for millennia, and without proper channels to educate and heal, will never die without a fight.

I will share this journey in hopes of helping others as well as helpful articles, stories, and life practices.  You ARE NOT alone. I promise you.

Never let the darkness win…

dk